HOW TO PLAY CROQUET LIKE AN ENGLISHMAN

1. Order a Pimms Cup.

2. Remark superciliously that "Six Wicket Croquet is really an American game."

3. There are two teams, one player and one ball. Order of play is order of colors on wicket.

4. Each Player/Team takes turn going through course as follows:

5. You have the choice of advancing your ball, or knocking the crap out of your opponent's. Each round is one shot. However, you are awarded an immediate extra shot for every wicket you pass through.

The game ends when the first Player/Team either (a) passes twice through all 6 wickets (b) orders a third Pimms Cup or, (c) complains about the quality of American theater.

Our staff is available to settle disputes, provide copies of the official rules, and offer additional libations.